1) No contest- a multi-stalled bathroom. Nothing is worse than having to hold your crap in while someone is peeing, fixing their hair, touching up their makeup or chatting with a friend. Also awkward is when you're sitting in a stall waiting for everyone to clear out so you can deuce, and all of a sudden someone in another stall seems to be waiting it out as well. I used to be competitive at these moments, and sit tight until the other person caved and left. You'd be surprised, just a couple of gentle coughs and a purse dig and they get the hint, and most of them leave.
In the past couple of years I have tried an entirely new (and might I say, revolutionary?) approach. Once it's just me and that other hanger-on, I go right ahead and crap. Yeah, that's right, I just do it. Fuck the taboo, the louder the plop the better. And you know what? This always inspires the hanger-on to do that same. I can just imagine their little thoughts ("Well... if she's just gonna' do it... fuck it!"). And off we go. As it turns out, it's kind of comforting to shit with a total stranger. But, word to the wise, definitely be the hanger-on after you crap. Just wait for them to wash their hands, then exit your stall. Nobody wants to have that incredibly uncomfortable hand wash. Inevitably there would be a lot of avoiding eye contact while thinking, "Was it her crap or mine that smelled so bad?", or, "Damn! She farted a lot". Or worse.
2) A janky lock. I've been through this in my previous posts. I mean, I don't want to worry, you know? Just let me make my caca in peace. A bolt is preferred, followed by a solid knob lock. No wimpy little hook locks, never. Just think about what kind of lock you'd want your mom to have, and go with that.
3) Pee on the seat. I mean, come on!!! My mom emailed me about that this morning, and it's her number one pet peeve. She wrote, "the lady who pees on the seat (why??)". Fair question, mom, truly fair. I have no idea. Now, I will make this confession... I am not a big squater. And I also don't put the toilet paper on the seat. I just don't care. If it looks dirty, I'll clean it off, but mostly, I just risk it. Is that gross? Whatev. Point being, PLEASE fucking wipe the seat if you pee on it, ladies. It's just not right to leave your pee to get on some unsuspecting woman's thighs. Mkay?!
4) Rough TP. I mean, we've been over this. Cottonelle. Charmin. Spend some bills and raise your prices if you have to. Every woman will thank you.
5) Lack of soap. So many times I go into a bathroom that has no soap. Ew. Need I say more?
6) Those rotating cloth hand towel holders. Know what I mean? The ones that you pull and it rotates the cloth towel and it's supposedly clean? Naw. Just no chance. Those are nasty.
7) Motion sensor paper towel dispensers. Also annoying. They give you way too little, and then they need some down time between each wave, so you stand there dripping waiting for your second wave to register, all so you can have enough paper towel to wipe your damn hands?! No dice.
8) Bathrooms with no mirror. Maybe I just run in some beat down circles, but I have been to many a bathroom with no mirror. There is just no excuse. It's just plain crucial to be able to see yourself after you crap.
9) Stank air freshener. I believe that is an oxymoron. Come on, now.
10) Children. That's right, I said it. I hate kids in bathrooms. Especially a little boy. Don't look at me, don't chat with me, don't yell or cry. Am I a horrible person?
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2 comments:
I have been considering writing a public bathroom manifesto, about all the things the ideal public bathroom includes.
Now, maybe I don't have to.
not gonna lie, i don't like children in the bathroom either! (or really, anywhere....just sang)
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