The bag in question

I mean, would you put this glorious bag on the ground in a bathroom? No chance. Thank you. (And yes, I know the bag is a lot. But I am a Jew. Clearly). 

Chango

Ahh... back at Chango, where it all began... This coffee shop is my fave in LA. Great coffee, always good people watching... the works. I thought it was only right that I give them some love for all of the improvements that they've made to their crapper over the past 6 months. 

First of all, they got that decent lock that I mentioned. Look at it. Isn't it glorious? It's really sturdy, too. Not one of those where the whole knob rattles when you turn the lock, and then you have to steady it with one hand and turn the lock with the other... ahh! Sometimes the poo is a comin' and I just don't have time for all of that.

And you can see here where that old shit lock used to be. What a relief (literally) that they got real and reformed. 

Now, I can't be biased and say that this bathroom is amazing, because it just isn't. It's really a a B at best. However, it's placement is decent for such a small coffee shop, being as far back as it can be without being in the kitchen. Also, it is functional, and though bright orange red, still not bad for scoping oneself in the mirror. They always have the good pump hand soap, and I have never sat on pee on that seat. As lame as hipsters are, at least most of them have the decency to wipe the seat (or are all just as disgusting as me and go ahead and sit). 


See what I'm saying? It looks kind of beat down, but it's the OG, so don't hate. 

Here is one thing I don't get: 

Is that supposed to be the single weakest baby changing table ever? Yikes! Splinters in a poor little tukah! I personally use it to as a place to rest my unusually large purse, which is nice. I hate putting my beautiful bag on the ground. Actually, I won't. I'll sit with it on my lap if I have to, for real. I suspect that there might be a budget storage area under that changing table thing, but I can tell you that I have never lifted the shimmery curtain to find out. Come one, now, we have already established that I am a classy broad. So, it might be an eyesore, but at least it's a good place to drop your shit (ha ha). 

As for this random empty basket... 

That's where the nasty ass air freshener used to live! YAH!!! Great success!!! It's gone!!! Do note that the little makeshift end table that it's sitting on is lined with that same ridiculous fabric as the faux changing table. Ugh. Fucking hipsters. 

Bathroom Pet Peeves (Version 1)

I'll be updating this list periodically, and asking for others to weigh in... but let's just go ahead and get this cracking... 

1) No contest- a multi-stalled bathroom. Nothing is worse than having to hold your crap in while someone is peeing, fixing their hair, touching up their makeup or chatting with a friend. Also awkward is when you're sitting in a stall waiting for everyone to clear out so you can deuce, and all of a sudden someone in another stall seems to be waiting it out as well. I used to be competitive at these moments, and sit tight until the other person caved and left. You'd be surprised, just a couple of gentle coughs and a purse dig and they get the hint, and most of them leave. 

In the past couple of years I have tried an entirely new (and might I say, revolutionary?) approach. Once it's just me and that other hanger-on, I go right ahead and crap. Yeah, that's right, I just do it. Fuck the taboo, the louder the plop the better. And you know what? This always inspires the hanger-on to do that same. I can just imagine their little thoughts ("Well... if she's just gonna' do it... fuck it!"). And off we go. As it turns out, it's kind of comforting to shit with a total stranger. But, word to the wise, definitely be the hanger-on after you crap. Just wait for them to wash their hands, then exit your stall. Nobody wants to have that incredibly uncomfortable hand wash. Inevitably there would be a lot of avoiding eye contact while thinking, "Was it her crap or mine that smelled so bad?", or, "Damn! She farted a lot". Or worse. 

2) A janky lock. I've been through this in my previous posts. I mean, I don't want to worry, you know? Just let me make my caca in peace. A bolt is preferred, followed by a solid knob lock. No wimpy little hook locks, never. Just think about what kind of lock you'd want your mom to have, and go with that. 

3) Pee on the seat. I mean, come on!!! My mom emailed me about that this morning, and it's her number one pet peeve. She wrote, "the lady who pees on the seat (why??)". Fair question, mom, truly fair. I have no idea. Now, I will make this confession... I am not a big squater. And I also don't put the toilet paper on the seat. I just don't care. If it looks dirty, I'll clean it off, but mostly, I just risk it. Is that gross? Whatev. Point being, PLEASE fucking wipe the seat if you pee on it, ladies. It's just not right to leave your pee to get on some unsuspecting woman's thighs. Mkay?! 

4) Rough TP. I mean, we've been over this. Cottonelle. Charmin. Spend some bills and raise your prices if you have to. Every woman will thank you. 

5) Lack of soap. So many times I go into a bathroom that has no soap. Ew. Need I say more? 

6) Those rotating cloth hand towel holders. Know what I mean? The ones that you pull and it rotates the cloth towel and it's supposedly clean? Naw. Just no chance. Those are nasty. 

7) Motion sensor paper towel dispensers. Also annoying. They give you way too little, and then they need some down time between each wave, so you stand there dripping waiting for your second wave to register, all so you can have enough paper towel to wipe your damn hands?! No dice. 

8) Bathrooms with no mirror. Maybe I just run in some beat down circles, but I have been to many a bathroom with no mirror. There is just no excuse. It's just plain crucial to be able to see yourself after you crap. 

9) Stank air freshener. I believe that is an oxymoron. Come on, now. 

10) Children. That's right, I said it. I hate kids in bathrooms. Especially a little boy. Don't look at me, don't chat with me, don't yell or cry. Am I a horrible person? 

Kaldi Coffee in Atwater

Yesterday I had the pleasure of spending some time in Atwater Village, a fabulous little neighborhood just north of Echo Park/Silverlake. Amazing. 

We hit up Kaldi for some much needed caffeine around 5:00pm, and I immediately needed to loosen the load. This bathroom gets an B for functionality, D for design. Even though it doesn't look like much, let me tell you why it's still glorious. 

1) The lock. It has the kind of lock that I prefer over any other: an actual bolt lock! YES! I could drop it in peace knowing that there was no way that anyone was going to bust in. Safety first, people. 

2) Toilet paper. They had mid-level toilet paper, the kind that is still pretty cheap to buy in bulk, but doesn't chafe the tush. Thank you! 

3) CLEAN. This bathroom is clean, so they must be keeping on top of it. Good hand soap, clean sink basin, no pee on the seat. And well lit so that you can see it all. Ahhh....

The downsides are two-fold: 

1) You do have to walk through the kitchen. Luckily, it's spacious and there really wasn't anybody in there, so I didn't have to feel too weird or smile sheepishly at anybody. But, it still bites to have to go through a kitchen, it just kills the mood, especially if you are planning to eat anything.

2) There is nothing to look at in this bathroom besides the strange concrete floor. No art, no flare, no nothing. That kinda' bums me out. But, if you're like me, meaning that you are regular enough that when you have to go, it's REALLY time to go, then you won't be lingering in there anyway. That's the way to do it. 

All in all, if walking around on Glendale in Atwater getting your thrift shop on, I would definitely hit this bathroom if the urge emerges. 

Thanks, Kaldi! 

Oh, and the coffee was delicious, as was the girl behind the counter. :) 

Mustard Seed Cafe

First thing is first: I fucking LOVE the Mustard Seed Cafe in Los Feliz. Those people are the shit. The food is amazing, the service is always friendly, and they know me, so I finally get some V.I.P. treatment up in here. :) (Basically, that means a free cookie, and the approval to stay as long as I want and chiggidy chat with my girls after we've eaten). 

However, I have to say, they do have a less than fortunate bathroom set up. In their defense, it is mostly not their fault, although inconvenient, especially since this is a place that I have had the (dis)pleasure of dropping many a kid off at the pool. I think I do it every time I'm there. I guess they just make me feel so at home... 

The worst thing is the location. You have to basically go into the kitchen, which sucks. And if someone is in there, then you have to wait by that little awkward sink outside the door, which happens to be majorly in the way of people going in and out of the kitchen, and also of the dishwasher who is off to the left. Nothing makes me feel more like a fucking lame-ass than waiting in line to crap in a restaurant kitchen. Yuck. 

Exhibit A:

So, that's awkward (and that's some guy coming out, who probably also just crapped in there).

The bathroom itself generally gets a B+/A- from me. It's pretty clean, well lit, decent hand soap, not great toilet paper, but, I can't have it all in life, and I know this. Today, however, there was one big mishap: 

Yeah, toilet paper on the floor. No dice, folks. Keep on top of that shit. So, what does a decent, cleanly lady do (besides have a nice little pedicure, as you can see)? Pick it up, take off the outside section (that dared to touch the ground) and throw it in the trash, use some to clean up shop, and then place it somewhere clean.

AKA, one the handicap grab bar next to the toilet. And by the way, thanks for having that there, MSC. That's how a classy joint debates. 

All in all, it was a Saturday morning, it was busy, and I can forgive the offense of the TP on the ground. I mean shit happens, as we all know (and it did happen there this morning, people, and it was lovely). 

Thanks, MSC! You really are a team player. 

Footsies

Last night I was at Footsies, my favorite bar in Glassell Park/Highland Park. It is such an awesome bar- great juke box, lovely bartenders, a wonderful back patio that you can finally take your drinks out on... but, man, their bathroom gets maybe a C. It's just sub-par on a whole bunch of levels. 

I took some pics to demonstrate the first (and most crucial) problem: the nasty lighting. Here is the source: one dingy red light bulb in a room with darkly painted walls. Gross. And yes, that is a timed air-freshener up there on the wall, so, at least thank god for that. 

Below that we have the toilet. That sad thing that is barely lit. Oy, what a mess. It's so dark in there you can't even tell if there is pee on the seat. Pet peeve.

The lighting by the sink is a little brighter, but barely.

All in all, this bathroom really defeats one of the main purposes of a bar bathroom: a place to check yourself in the mirror. You can't see shit, and what you can see is, well, red. I guess in some ways it's better than those bathrooms that are lit with crazy bright green bulbs that make any skin look like death, but it's a far cry from ideal. 

Sorry, Footsies. But you know I love you. :)

This bliggidy

This blog idea actually surfaced probably over a year ago, at Chango (coffee shop in Echo Park). Phoebe and I were spending a nice little Saturday afternoon talking about how the bathroom there really sucks for taking a post-latte crap. There are so many things wrong with the set-up. Let me just name a few:

1) The lock sucks. It has changed now (probably because they realized it sucked), but it used to be just one of those chest-high, flimsy little hook latch bitches. Yikes. Those look all wiggly and unstable, and send me into a panic when I'm crapping and some pulls on the door. I just know that one time someone is going to pull hard enough and it'll defy gravity and fly unlocked and there I am, pinching one out at the coffee shop for everyone to see.

2) The toilet paper is like running a cardboard box across your freshly opened anus. Seriously, for a hot little coffee shop in Echo Park, y'all could do better. It ain't right. And let's be real, it does even worse things to a vagina, so, please, invest in some Cottonelle. Every lady knows that's the way to go.

3) They have some nasty air freshener up in there. For real, it reeks. And it's not an automatic, stuck to the wall one. It's just a can of it (seriously, AquaNet smells better), and since people are constantly deucing in there, it gets sprayed all the time. So, you could suffocate if you shit isn't coming out fast enough and you actually have to breathe that toxic nastiness for a while. (Truth: I don't give two shits about the stuff, but it bugs almost everyone else I know).

Anyhow, those are the highlights of that crapper.

See, the thing is, ever since I was quite young, a bookstore always makes me need to take a crap within the first few moments I'm in there. I mean, within 5 minutes, easily. My theory: a bookstore makes me so excited that I get colon spasms, and then have to poo ASAP. I'm no doctor, but it sounds up this alley, mkay? :) Also, I have at least one other friend who is afflicted with this at bookstores, and then another who faces it any time he goes to a music store. So... this can't be that rare.

But, it's just such a pet peeve when you have to crap and a bathroom is gross, dark, has a crappy lock, doesn't have soap, etc. And

Jessica and I were then talking about it again recently, and, well, this just needed to happen. We'll be visiting bathrooms all over LA and giving our reviews. What's most important to us is quality, and we have high standards. Stay posted for pics, inside scoop and all the gory details.