The Floor

I was at the Coffee Table in Eagle Rock last week, a cute little lunch place (with some really nice but slow staff)- and discovered something that I didn't even discovered a strange dichotomy. 

Check this amazing shit out: 

I mean, what?! That's fucking pretty. It looks like straight-up turquoise under your feet. That's how you do it up V.I.P. style, yo! 

Too bad the rest of this bathroom (and establishment, sorry, CT), is not at all V.I.P..... 

Pretty dingy, huh? 

And yeah, that's an out-of-order stall held shut by some ghetto ass tape and a "Please Do Not Use" sign. Ugh. 

I think consistency is key. I actually have more respect for a place that just doesn't give a shit about their bathroom, and let's it go to hell- than a place that has a fancy ass floor, and nothing to show for it above ground. Fair? 

C. 

Not So Classy...

I went to a party a few weeks ago, and I took pics of the bathroom.  I have been going back and forth with myself (morally) about whether or not I should post them here.  The guy who hosted is a friend of a friend, and I feel kinda' bad. So... I came to the conclusion not to post them (all), and therefor not to pick apart his shit-hole. 

However, I have to share one thing, because I'm pretty sure that this is one of the least classy things to have in a bathroom... 

Yeah, dog food and water bowls.  Naw.  Just don't do it.  It's gross on a whole lot of levels.  Poor dog... 

However, I do have to admit that I feel very differently about a litter box.  To me, it's totally legit to have a litter box in a bathroom.  I mean, it's way better than those crazies who have them in their kitchen (GROSS).  And, I am defending myself here, because I have my cats litters boxes in our bathrooms (one in each bathroom, yes).  But the dog food?!  Again, let me say a resounding: Naw. 

(Oh, and that's my husband's shoe in the pic, not a random.  The couple that pees at a party together, stays together.)

Poop Brings Us Together

I already shared the story about my co-worker divulging her 'yes' and 'no' criteria when it comes to bathroom (and shitting) etiquette; that was amazing. But yesterday I had a meeting with my writing partner, and we were (somewhat) working and (mostly) chatting. At different points during our meeting (which lasted a little over three hours), we each had the urge to crap. She went first. 

When she came out of the bathroom (which was mediocre, by the way), naturally I asked her how she it went. It was alright, maybe a little hot, but the bummer part was that it pinched off a little too soon, and left (what I like to call) the "nub" still inside- refusing to come out. That really sucks, and I truly did feel for her- I hate that kind of shit. 

Less than an hour later, I had to drop one, and something quite similar happened to me- except that though I got the nub out, there was a sneaky second nub still left in there, not budging. FOILED! Of course I told her all about it, we laughed and bonded over our shared frustration, and I might have farted at the table just to punctuate. 

Thing is: everyone likes to talk about poop (except three people that I know). Ok, so almost everyone loves to talk about poop. I talked about poop again last night, and this morning... it's just so liberating to talk about what's really on my mind. And I'll chat about it with anyone... Although, not so much my boss, because she is grossed out by it. Always my family, though, especially my siblings, they love to talk about it... 

But I'm curious, does everyone talk about poop as much as me? Do you talk about poop, and with whom? 

Least Exciting Bathroom Ever

Blossom is a quaint Vietnamese restaurant on Main in downtown LA, and I do love them (in general). A few friends and I had some wonderful veggie spring rolls and tofu curry there on Saturday night- but just about everything was off (except the food, which was good). 

The service was weird, the food came in spurts (meaning some people waited a lot longer than others for their dishes), and it was freezing cold in the place. 

I went to the bathroom early in the evening, so I was not tainted by the events that followed. All I can really say is that this bathroom is the single most boring bathroom ever. This one really is. Really. 

The one cute detail: 

I really like this little woman sign. It's fresh, simple, surprising. The rest... blah. 

The flooring is okay... I kinda' like it... but not that much, really. 

Yeah, there was soap, the place was clean, it wasn't bad. It just wasn't good, either. 

Here's the thing: I want just a little flare in a bathroom. It doesn't have to be showy or amazing (like Harroin Salon), but does it have to be this much of a snoozer?! Throw a picture up, paint an accent wall, something! The bathroom says a lot about your establishment, and while first and foremost you want it to say CLEAN, you also want everything about your place to say REMEMBER US and COME BACK. 

Luckily, the curry is really good, so I will be going back. Too bad I might fall asleep in the bathroom when I do. 

C. 

Palermo in Los Feliz

On Friday I dined at Palermo with some friends, a lovely little Italian place on Vermont in Los Feliz. This place feels a lot more like a random spot in the Midwest than what is is- right off the busiest stretch in a trendy LA neighborhood. It's adorable- lots of old Italian men, all kinds of families, and delicious pizza (for LA, that is. It's got nothin' on Chicago pie, come on now). 

Their bathroom leaves a something to be desired, though, I'm sorry to report. It's not so bad: 

Kinda' just your run of the mill multi-staller. Nothing horrifying, just nothing great, either. Spacious stalls (this is the biggy), decently clean- not great, but not disgusting. 

Ample soap, nothing terrible here. Paper towels, that's spot-on. 

My major complaint was customer related, in this case. See, if I saw this: 

I would not go ahead and do this: 

I mean, I just wouldn't. 

First of all, that garbage just wasn't that full. It was getting there, but not over-flowing. Second of all, if you scroll back up, you can see that there was also a trash can in the stall (with no liner in it, which is a little gross, but still). I would actually walk my ass back into the stall and toss it in there if I felt that the first one was too full. 

Now, maybe that's going above and beyond, I am self-proclaimed hyper sensitive about my behavior in bathrooms (I mean, I should be, right? To be this judgmental I better not be a hypocrite, too). Still. this annoyed me. 

This bathroom was nothing special, but pretty clean for a bustling Friday night and the place being packed with kids. 

I'll go ahead and give it a generous B-. 

Target in Eagle Rock

I love Target. Seriously, it's my shit. It's a dream for cheap, cute clothes, not to mention house wares, cleaning supplies, and beauty products. I can't go in there that often, because it's hard to leave without spending money... 

However, I hit it up this week to pick up a few things, and got the emergency need to crap at the check-out counter. I guess it turns out that Target does the same thing to me that bookstores do... fascinating... 

What a disaster, folks, this bathroom... ughhh... 

It doesn't look that bad, but it is. It's just like the mall- too many kids, always a line, smells horrible, and even a religious "sitter" like me feels the urge to squat. It's just unfortunate.

Guess what else gave me the urge to squat? This: 

Somebody actually took the time to etch a tag into the toilet seat. Now, that is some dedication. That person got all kinds of down and close to the seat, and etched away... Wow, that's intense. 

Turns out, I did sit, not gonna' lie. Who squats to shit? That's just too awkward for me, and then inevitably a splash will ensue... No dice- I avoid a splash at all costs. It was quite a large and strange poo, too... not to be TMI, but, well, too bad. It was a normal poo, really, with a strange additional poo wrapped around it that made the whole thing look like a corkscrew. I almost snapped a pic of it, but it automatic flushed! Damn! 

I will say, though, I love an automatic flush- because it means that I don't have to use my foot to press down the flusher (yes, I use my foot to flush even though I sit on the seat- I am not above double standards). 

The other crazy thing about this bathroom was the industrial ass hand dryer. I normally hate a hand-dryer, and much prefer a paper towel, but this thing is no joke. My hands were dry in two seconds. Look how it literally blew the skin on my hand around!

The thing even looks hardcore from it's design. 

Oops, I got a lady in the reflection... oh, well. 

By the way, people were looking at my crazy because I was taking pics in there. Good thing my bathroom visit was on my way out of the store, otherwise Security might have started asking questions. 

This place gets a C-. And it only got bumped into the c's because of that amazing hand-dryer. What an invention! 

Amazing

Yesterday a woman that I work with came into my work area (it's not really an office, it's more just an open space) to see if I had any air freshener. She claimed that the someone had stunk up the bathroom so badly that it was wafting out into the hallway, and down towards her office (and endangering my area, as well). 

Hilarious. 

First of all, this chick is quirky, but very poised and professional- so this convo came as a bit of a surprise (but a joyous one, clearly). What I love is that she didn't stop at the warning, or the request for air freshener- she actually came in, leaned against the desk next to mine, and chatted with me for a good five minutes about crap! Great success! 

We pontificated about which bathroom we like to use (our office has four- all onesies, thank you very much), the atrocity this person committed by leaving the door wide open post-deuce, what have you... The consensus is that we both like the upstairs back bathroom for shitting- it's set back discretely, has a lovely automatic fan, and little waft possibility. 

Ah... how crap brings us all together. Amazing. 

Silverlake Coffee

I don't hit Silverlake Coffee that often anymore- even though I love a coffee shop (I'm a Jew, we love lattes). I used to go there more often, but once we moved on to Chango, there was just really never going back to this joint. 

I did patronize SC the other day, though, out of desperation more than anything else, I have to admit. My friend and I were about to get a pedicure (what a nice little Saturday), and we needed a quit hit of caffeine. Booyah- Silverlake Coffee. 

Now, they make a decent latte, it's true. Not great, but decent. Their bathroom kind of falls in the same category. It's set back from the rest of the store (except for the one table that is back there, and I can never figure out why people want to sit there. But there's always some really intense person at that table pounding a way on their computer and looking very important but scruffy). Anyways, it's the best possible location for the bathroom, and since it's by the back door, it allows for a quick escape if you drop off a particularly rancid gift. :)

But, it's just kinda' weak. 

Yeah... blah blah...
Blahdy Blah... 
Er?! Wha? Ok, janky locked storage closet- undoubtedly for... toilet paper? Staff personal items? I'm not sure, but it's flimsy as hell and the matching white chain and lock crack me up. Vanilla safe. 

But you know what really made me roll my eyes? This: 

That is one homely ass soap dispenser. 

Here's the thing: the bathroom says a lot about the kind of establishment that you're in. And in this case, it's not as though they were even deliberately trying to be ironic and hipster (ah-hem, Chango). They are just lazy. Maybe someones mom gave that shit to them, their girlfriend said it sucked, so it ended up in the coffee shop. Yeah, lame.

Come on, people. Put a little UMPH into your loo. It matters to us! We might even spend more money and get a scone, or I don't know, go crazy and get an iced-blended. You never know, so why not try? :) 

This place gets a C. 

A Banner Day

This weekend I tried a new hair stylist at a new salon (to me). It's always fun to do that- and this chick is amazing. Hairroin on Cahuenga- see Vanessa. She's the shit. 

Okay, but here is the real news... 

Best. Bathroom. Yet.  A+. 

Just check it... this one really speaks for itself, I think. 

I love that this bathroom has so much personality, and that it completely matches the attitude and decor of the salon. There is a retro, funky vibe, and it manages to stay clean and uncluttered at the same time. It's also a onesy, which is lovely, and it has a respectable lock. 

I just peed in here, but it was all set up for a nice deuce, so I was a bit disappointed, to tell you the truth. I'm sure they thought I had dropped one in there- since I took my sweet time inspecting all of the adorable retro hair-dryers and decor. 

Such a glorious job, Hairroin, I commend you. 

The Great Fall

I hit some new bathrooms today- so I'll be posting reviews again beginning tomorrow. It's been a slow couple of days in the shit department, people, I'm not sure what happened- but I think I'm backed up (I am usually quite regular, so this is upsetting). The enchiladas that I ate tonight should do the trick in moving things along, though. So, nobody panic. 

I do want to take this opportunity to tell you all a little (true) story...

About five years ago, I was living in Chicago in a studio apartment, had just gone through a break-up, and was working at a coffee shop. One morning, sober and (somewhat) alert, I was showering and just straight up slipped and fell. Now, I suspect that something startled me (I vaguely remember my shampoo bottle falling off of the window ledge in the shower), but I'm not sure. It's all a blur. 

Regardless, I feel out of my shower and BAM, hit my face on my sink as I went down. I didn't get knocked out (thank god), and I immediately stood up, kinda' dazed. I still remember the metallic taste in my mouth at that moment when I looked in the mirror- and all I could see was blood all over my face. 

Do you know what is hilarious about falling in your bathroom and jacking up your face? Okay, not much, but there is one thing. Once you are up and around, freaking out and trying to figure out what to do and dripping blood everywhere- you're fucking naked. It's kinda' funny, right? Well, I think it is. 

The rest of the story isn't that exciting. I called my mom (I'm such a momma's girl), she came and got me and took me to the hospital, where crowds parted like I was Jesus as she walked me down the hallway to the ER. Yeah, my face was pretty busted. Turns out I didn't break any bones, just cut my lip open, lots of bruising and some black ass eyes. Stitches ensued, a little oral surgery a few weeks later, and a lot of pain killers. 

But the take-away? Bathrooms are all fun and games until your tired ass slips and falls and busts open your mouf. 'Mkay?! 

Just a word to the wise. 

Happy Friday! 

Secret Loo in Chicago

This photo of a fancy toilet (twaaalette) came from my brother in Chicago via the beautiful iPhone. He had lunch with my g-rents at a "private club" (my grandma said that I can't out it by name) yesterday, and took a leak in there. Remember private clubs? Members only? Yeah... well, turns out they do the bathroom thing up right! 

That is some classy marble, a nice lookin' chair in the background, shiny hardware, and dare I say, delicious candy? That's just glorious. 

Private club, you know who you are, and I admire you. 

You surely get an A. 

Oh, ice blended mocha...

You really made my day (in more ways than one). 

Glendale Galleria (the "I'm mad" edition)

I'm just gonna' say it. The Glendale Galleria is ghetto. OK?! It just is. 

Their facilities are like this: 

Yeah, that looks classy, but it's just not at all. And it looks like it's not crowded, but it was. I purposely got the pic with nobody in it. It also looks clean, from this angle... but no: 

Can you see all the pee on that seat? I don't think so.. damn! I swear, there was an abnormal amount of pee on that seat! I would normally just choose another stall, but (of course) there was a line, and there were a million kids, and I barely got out of there alive as it was. The first stall I went into was full of shit. Seriously. FULL of shit. 

This bathroom made me mad. The mall makes me mad. Just driving into the parking lot made me mad. Ugh. 

D. This bathroom definitely gets a D. 

Not Trying to get Personal or Nuthin'...

...but I did take some pics of my friend's bathroom this weekend. However, let me preface with three things:

1) I am hoping that one of them will soon be joining me as a regular guest blogger, as he is similarly afflicted with the emergency need to crap in bookstores, and shares in the deep joy of talking constantly about poop (with me). 

2) These friends have a lovely apartment, and have hosted me, my man, and numerous randoms over the years, and I can't thank them enough for it. 

and 3) They knew I was taking pics, so there is no real shame in this game. 

It's just... too bad about the bathroom. :) 

No, it's a nice little bathroom, really. I like that you can see outside, and if you take a particularly smelly crap-o-la, it pretty much just wafts out the window- noted here: 

And clearly I love a Guadalupe candle and some matches, that is very thoughtful. 

The only real problem here is the toilet- the handle is jacked, and it's sort of complicated to get it to actually flush and then stop running. It has to stay in this upright position:

Which is kind of complicated, because you also have to hold down the handle for a few seconds for it to fully flush... okay, so, see, this is just too many hoops for me to jump through. I just got a little upset. 

However, besides being a tad small (not their fault), that is my only major complaint. They have a lovely striped shower curtain that I always covet, and I am always offered Wet Wipes when I announce that it is time for me to make release. Aren't they hospitable? 

All in all, B&K, I'm giving it a B. 

Not too shabby! 

Cafe Los Feliz

I just have to jump right in and tell you that this bathroom is one of the absolute worst that I have seen thus far. And I love this little cafe- woman owned, all women run... it's so good! Why does their bathroom have to be so bad?! Ugh... you're really put me in a bad spot, here, LFC. 

First offense: Kitchen awkwardness galore. Not only do you have to go through the kitchen, but it's small back there, so you are immediately in the way. This morning, when I was trying to navigate my way back there to change my tampon (ugh), I bumped into three people, all while muttering, "Oh, excuse me, excuse me", and THEN walked in on someone in the bathroom, because they hadn't locked the door. AWKWARD. Standing next to the bathroom door, here is what you see (looking left, then looking right).

Yeah, it's awkward. 

Second offense: Smallest. Bathroom. Ever. I swear, my ass could barely turn around in there. I stood in one spot and turned around in a circle, and here is what I saw: 

Little tiny sink! And yeah, that hand-held mirror was all they had...

Oh, look! There's the toilet under my skirt! 

And, oops! I bumped into that door handle! OWWW! 

Ok, I'm kind of being an asshole. This is a tiny bathroom, I've made my point, and I suppose that isn't really their fault. But, they could spruce it up a bit, I mean, come on. Right? Luckily, I didn't have to crap in there. Believe you me, the tampon changing was plenty to negotiate. 

Oh, and just so you get the full picture... 

Here is the view from sitting on the toilet: 

Yikes! 

Must I say it? I'm giving them a D-. 

Sunday text from my sister

"I just pooped in a bookstore, it was great". 

Congrats, sis! 

PS-- I love my life. :) 

Top Notch Soap

There are some things in life that I just straight-up prefer. This soap is one of them. When I go into a bathroom and see this soap, with it's duckbill-like dispenser, I get a little shudder of joy. Yes, soap does that to me, go ahead, call me crazy. I'm anal (haha), and I like my hands to be clean, and maybe I'm a little bit of a label slut. Oh well.  

Thank you to my therapist's office for having this soap (among many, many others). 

Yogurtland

Yogurtland is a self-serve frozen yogurt joint in downtown LA, and quite the competitor to Pinkberry, at least when it comes to this customer. I love Pinkberry's coffee yogurt with bananas on top, but Yogurtland has an amazing chocolate option, and as I just discovered, a to-die-for pistachio. Wowza. Oh, and self-serve (in this instance) is awesome, as you pay by weight, so pile it on or be conservative, it's all up to you. 

Dum dum dum... too bad their bathroom sucks. I do give them some credit for it being well marked (I do appreciate that)... 

The rest of it is just not up to the yogurt standard.

FYI- no soap in that dispenser. 

The worst offense by far is that this bathroom was not clean. I tried to capture the nasty state of the toilet, but I don't think it worked very well... 

Hair, stains, crustiness all around the base... it was not good. I did, in fact, squat. Yeah, sometimes, it's just necessary. 

Big fat D- on this bathroom. 

The yogurt gets an A-, though. The minus is for not having nutritional info available, which I find irritating, and makes me think that maybe it's just actually ice cream. :) 

El Arco Iris

To rightly celebrate the fourth, I am giving my first A. 

El Arco Iris is a fantastic mexican restaurant on York in Highland Park, and my favorite place to patronize for a frosty marg and some enchiladas. Definitely hollah at this place, people. 

And, never fear, if you have to relieve yourself you will be deliciously accomodated. Peep this classy ass water closet:

Yeah, this is a multi-stalled shitter, but it's perfection nonetheless. That's the way you debate! Double sinks, glossy (marble?) countertop, a hole in which to deposit your soiled paper towels (I love those), metal soap dispensers full of soap, clean mirror, immaculate sinks, music playing... I'm overwhelmed with joy every time I'm in there. 

And here is the other coup:  

Those are some spacious stalls. 

And that is a beautiful polished concrete floor. I would kill to have that floor in my house. Man, it's just so good. That's how you design a bathroom- because even after I take a giant shit, this place makes me feel like a lady.  

Happy Independence Day, El Arco Iris! xoxo

Sidebar

Just want to share an interesting opinion that I got today (from my man). I was talking up a particularly phenomenal bathroom (to be featured tomorrow), and explaining that it's one fault (and I do mean one and only) is that it has multiple stalls. He said that he much prefers a bathroom with multiple stalls to a single. Huh?! 

Ok, here's why: he doesn't want to wait, so the more stalls/urinals, the better. Now, I get this logic in a club setting, an airport, or a baseball stadium. But, at a restaurant, nail salon or neighborhood bar I just can't get behind it. He even went so far as to say that he doesn't care at all about taking a dump in a multiple full of other men, and he'd much rather do that than ever have to wait. 

So interesting. This was also corroborated by a dear friend (a lady!), who said that she used to be shy about crapping when other women were in the multiple with her, but now that she is a grown ass woman, she doesn't give a shit (nice). I am impressed by both of them, and their kind, giving souls. 

I just couldn't disagree more. I think it's because I always prefer not to share. I will drop a deuce in the presence of other ladies (as I have revealed in an earlier post), but I prefer privacy. Who knows, I might want to laugh (that's weird), cry (not likely) or fart (always), and I just like that extra wiggle room to do what I need to do. I'm not saying that I don't hate to wait, I do. But, it's worth it for those few precious moments alone in the loo. 

Thoughts? :) 

Cuba Central

Today I celebrated the end of a lovely four-day work week at Cuba Central in downtown LA. All I really wanted to do was lick a salt block (as my rag is just around the corner), and luckily their plantain chips hit the spot. I highly recommend their happy hour, mojitos and their gorgeous bathroom. 

Look at this nice little classy spot: 

Ok, those pictures don't do it justice at all. But check this out: 

Oh, yeah, your eyes are not fooling you. That is a faux window with foliage (or a framed plant? Not sure which). It's so glorious and strange, I can't even take it. Also, the bambo lining the bottom half of the walls is just perfect. Dark tiles in here, too, folks, not sure if you caught that. 

Let it also be known that this bathroom is meticulously clean (I even looked where the toilet connects to the ground- that's always a telling area), it smells good (well, not after I was in there...), and they have the good toilet paper. That's right, no chafe (and thank god, b/c they serve a lot of black beans up in here). 

I am giving this place an A-. And the minus is only due to the fact that it's located directly next to the bar, which I'm not crazy about (just in case a smell a-follows ya' out, you don't need the bartender to get the whiff, know what I'm saying?). 

Highly recommended. I love you, Cuba Central! :)